The hell did 2012 go??!

*flips through my calendar*

Jesus, it's almost July. This year is going by so fast, i don't even know what to say about it. Smh.

I like to rehash my entire year at the very end, right before the New Year to put things in order, reflect, gain perspective and think about my hopes for the incoming year. Before I get there, though, I like to do  a mid-year review. Check in with myself to see how the current year has served me thus far. A report card of sorts.

2012 hasn't royally disappointed. Let's see. I successfully knocked out my 1st year of grad school. Which is kind of a miracle in itself because i'm SO over school. The fact that I managed to pull all A's and B's this year isn't to be taken lightly becuz I truly stopped giving much of a shit about school by November of last yr. *shrug*

Also, I moved into my own little spot. Nothing fancy but guess what??? IT'S MINE. Me, myself and I. I'm enjoying it immensely.

Hmm...what else....things are still sorting themselves out on the personal front. It's better today than what it was this same time last year so....

Right now i'm going to give 2012 a solid B. Not too shabby. Not too shabby at all.

Perpetual confusion will kill you

You can't move forward when there's so much unnecessary shit in your way.

Sometimes once you've damaged something, it's not worth the pain, struggle and effort to keep trying to put it back together again.

One day, couples will stop saying the words, "We are never EVER gonna break up!" Save yourself from looking retarded and foolish when you do.

I'm something like a poet. Something like a fiction writer (albeit a bit unproductive). And something like a soul singer (adjusts my slightly wilted white gardenia behind my ear). Oh ye of many creative hats :) Over the past yr and a half, I have performed with my group, Griot Noir, and solo quite a few times. Especially over the last 4-6 months , I've been so blessed with opportunities to read, sing and perform at various venues. I truly love being so submerged in my craft.

But i'm tired as shit!!

Too much of a good thing...ya know? I think it's time to sit back for a minute and just soak some stuff in as an audience member. I feel a bit tapped out. I'm ready to just concentrate on my writing on the page and not have the added pressure of performance. Don't get me wrong. I love the stage and the adrenaline rush from appreciative audiences. For right now, I just wanna put pen to paper and create some magic in between the lines.

We're goin nowhere fast, We've reached the climax .We're together, now we're undone. Wont commit so we choose to run... run away...do we separate? Dont wanna give in so we both give up...Cant take it back. It's too late. We've reached the climax.

-Usher

I'm starting to feel like I am trapped in some sort of purgatory twilight zone. I don't know what the fuck is happening here. But I can't....I cant be in this space anymore.

So in about 14 months I will graduate with my Masters of Fine Arts degree in English. *throws confetti!!* That's pretty close to what I've always wanted to do. Graduate with an advanced degree from a prestigious college and tell anyone who assumed that a young woman of color from Oakland couldn't do it to kiss my sexy and well-educated caramel ass.

The rest of that dream I have always had was to promptly get hired by a community college to teach a few English/creative writing courses per semester, and publish a few books. I would throw more confetti here but i'm kinda scared shitless that this part of the dream is more of a pipe dream these days. Teaching gigs are rare jewels that people get cut over. And publishing a book....well that would mean that I would actually have to FINISH WRITING SOMETHING NOW WOULDN'T IT???!!!

Sigh.

Perhaps I will graduate with my M.F.A. And then go directly into another Master's program. Then perhaps get a Ph.D., or two. How about I get every degree in the world and go through life being a professional student? I mean it could be worse. Trust me.

O_o

Ha. Yeah, really.

I don't like to repeat myself. I don't like to repeat myself. I don't like to repeat myself. I don't like to repeat myself. IdontliketorepeatmyselfIdontliektorepeatmyselfidontliketofuckinrepeatmyself!!!!!

The Art of Doing. I need to master it. I over-think EVERY thing. Seriously, I mentally drain the life out of every move I make and decision I come to. This tends to happen if while in your younger years you make dumb ass mistake after dumb ass mistake and end up hurting people while bandaging a severely damaged heart of your own. Now, years older, wiser and (((((terrified))))) I try to plot everything out in my mind and triple check to make sure things will work out properly. But, clearly, there's absolutely NO way to guarantee that things will work out. So why worry myself to death? Death being the correct term here because I'm afraid that with all of this thinking and worrying, I'm not LIVING. So maybe I need to stop thinking about things and just DO them.

But....that worries me O___0

I am not a good student. I don't learn well. Lessons easily go into one ear and seep out the other. My attention span is stingy and selfish. Yet, I always manage to make enviable grades. So I guess I'm more of a by any means necessary type of student. It doesn't matter how I arrive to the A, as long as I make it there.

I'm this way about life lessons as well. Takes awhile for me to get it. I always seem to find the longest, most unstable and difficult routes to take before I get to the damn point. But when I get there....smh...trust and believe that I know how to navigate around the worst predicaments in order to avoid going through the same shit again.

I guess I tricked myself into believing that hearing something that I have been wanting to hear for a long time would make everything all better. Now I guess i understand the concept of too little, too late....

I wish I was more of a ritual-prone person. There's something admirable about someone who has a daily ritual that they can actually stick to and enjoy, and it not feel like a form of torture.

Being a writer, I would love if I could wake up every morning before the sun rises and ritually write for two hours. That sounds like such an amazing and productive way to begin my morning. It would also ensure that I finish my book of poetry some time in this decade. But as soon as I thought about it, I mentally shut the idea down. That thought process looked a little something like this:

[the side of me that advocates for and craves a ritual]: hmmm maybe I could try to wake up every morning before the sun rises and do some writing.

[the side of me that advocates for my bed]: um...hell to the NO. U don't sleep enough as is so...no.

Smh. lol . Still...I want a ritual. Maybe I can be a bit more realistic. I've never been a morning person. I'm not really a day time person period. I like the night. The moon. The way the darkness of a late hour is both calming and electric at the same time. I love it. So maybe i can just ritually write at a specific time every late late night. Hmm. We'll see.

I have an overwhelming need to scrape away, rub raw, deconstruct, set fire to, level to the ground, erase, purify, and start over.

I know all too well what I do very wrong. What I often mess up, butcher, colossally fuck up and fail at.

I wanna know what I do right. And I want it to taste good.

I used to hang onto your every word
until your every word became a disappointment
In spite of everything you said, you're actions said opposite
Remember why we parted ways
So now that you're done with all your soul-searchin, everything's workin out for you
Good for you
I love you
I love you
I love you
But not like I used to

-Stacy Barthe